gardening

Long time lost but not forgotton…

New year new direction exciting future

Hello there its been a very long time over a year since I’ve blogged. Initially I started this blog to boost what started out as a potential new business venture ‘nappy cakes’.  I enjoy making them but it is something I do now and then and not what I truly love to do .

A lot happened in a year first being last year my 10yr old son finally got his diagnosis of Autism after what felt like would be an endless fight,  over 5 years of asking for referrals, school moves, support workers and finally a community pediatricians. This was such a relief to have the validation and finally get something implemented to help my lovely boy in his daily challenges and anxieties. We have a lot of catching up to do when it comes to working with professionals but we are getting there .

Another Big exciting news is I have my allotment ( YAY ) which is situated on the most amazing site, it is a little haven hidden amongst the houses in the small village on the outskirts of the steel work town .  When those big metal gates open there is a rush of quiet and gentle birdsong  which fills you up with happiness and instantly lifts your mood and the worries and cares of life disappear and all thoughts turn to the excitement of the growing year and plans for future years.  My beloved husband has been fantastic and on his days off he has really thrown himself into the clearing and plans for the construction of the functional things like the water butt station and making the cages , this enthusiasm has taken me by surprise and I have enjoyed spending time together on a joint venture. Watch this space for future updates on how plot 78A progresses . I love to watch the vlogs of allotments on youtube in particular Seans allotment on the horticultural channel I love Vivi’s updates also clares allotment  and lavender and leeks updates too, the fabulous knowledge is non like anything you can find in books.

After some soul searching and questioning myself about where I see myself in 5 years time in terms of working and career,  a choice was made I have started a level 3 in supporting teaching and learning to enable me to one day work in a supporting role to help children like mine in the school setting being able to share my knowledge and compassion and give back.

MY hobbies still include photography in particular birds wildlife and how the land changes with the seasons. I have picked up my paints and started to capture moments and express feelings. I have a long way to go but its a release I need after a long day being mummy of five.

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allotment · cooking · gardening · kitchengarden · mental health · parenting · tips

Back to it and 2018 im here and ready!!

Gosh i hope everyone well. Life has been so busy its hard to find time and know where to focus my attention the most.

My main focus at the minute is on the allotments and what I personally want to achieve this year. Heres 5 of them.

1. Have a productive no dig organic allotment with enough produce that i can give to friends and family too.

2. Establish a productive cut flower garden,to enable me to learn more about what i like, what work is involved in british cut flower priduction( id love to have a cut flower farm in the near future)

3. Save seed from the heirloom varieties im growing.

4. Document my journey better through social media and my youtube channel.

5. Try new recipes with the produce and share them with others.

The thing that is most in the way of achieving these goals, is this blumin wrather that we have been having, here in north lincolnshire in the uk.

I also find when its so dull for such a long time it effects peoples moods dramatically…..it must be from lack of vitamin D.

I think we all need a good dose of sunlight and the start of longer days.

This week is half term so i wont get much gardening time in and what i do will probably ve seed sowing in the greenhouse.

Things I can start going now are:

Onion sets sown into modules, some lettuce leaves, a lot of brassicas need starting off between feb and march as they have a longer growing period.

Chilli and sweet peppers can be sown indoors too.

There is many to do for more updates on what is growing in my greenhouse pop over to youtube https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCozBzyVZ2U7KK5qM0pg2Rswand like and subscribe to follow the progress.

For now i’ll keep on planning and pottering.

carekit · moving home · parenting · tips

Moving house kit

When a child flies the nest you want them to feel safe and happy with a little whimsy and gentle nudge to be independent, what better way than with a little hamper of essential goodies.

My step daughter has left her mothers family home to stretch her wings in her own space. I feel this will be a great opportunity to learn about herself and also the real world too.

I am quite sentimental and a little daft So i put together a little hamper if mini care kits.

As L is studying at college along with working i put together a college kit with essential stationary such as pens, paper refill, post it notes and a nice big pencil case slong with a daft childrens sharpner for a giggle the note attached to this was ” so you can always study”

I also put together a cleaning kit

Tea towels, funny scrubbing brush with a girly touch. Toilet wipes, washing up liquid and sponges and washing tablets – “so you can wash your clothes”

A self care kit that all us girls need

A microwave plush unicorn heat pack for “that time of the month” hot chocolate powder and marshmallows some popcorn for a movie night and some new soft towels. Makeup remover and cottonwoolpad an absolute must.

A smelly hanger to keep the wardrobe fresh

And of course a chocolate bar.

I know these are only small bits and bobs but they are a gentle reminder to take care with love and kindness to yourself and your home.

It is another milestone in the family the eldest up on her own two feet, setting out into the world, preparing to take it by storm. This comes with memories of how we were young, setting up home with great optimism and desire to do so many things.

Did we do it???

Not quite……..but I am still striving to get there.Life is a journey with many different paths, it has twists and turns and they can and will take you somewhere you least expect……

Where will your journey take you?….

parenting

Home educating Joshua on a cold january morning

When its so cold its hard to function, snuggling up on the sofa is the way forward.

The best way to get josh to focus is to compromise so duvet on the sofa whilst learning about powers in maths is todays lesson.

Joshua is having one of his busy in the mind days where hes thinking about nuclear war ……..population culling through government secret labrotaries cooking up a deadly virus and even a little about leaving the EU . When his mind is full its hard to keep him focussed for more than five minutes at a time. Its time to bring out tge big guns …….thats right the promise of food i will try bribe him with a promise of buying a bean pasty.

Next up science but im sure he can tell me everything as he just seems to know it. Another ASD mystery trait is tge gathering of knowlege from who knows where.

Wish me luck its going to be one of those days where he talks me to death.

parenting

New projects

Hi there, so as christmas approaches so does the overwhelming urge to craft and create.

It seems that the autumn season with its amazing colours blazing, stirs something up inside of me that makes me want to draw, paint sew create….. you name it I want to try it.

This weekend it was the time of the pompom maker again. After my nan passed we found a huge store of wool…. well what do you do with left over wool?

Make pompoms of course!

I set upon making pompoms ready to make some alternative Christmas wreaths then my soon to be 10 year old daughter sees the pompoms and shouts ” I can use pompoms for my homework to make the planets” she was excitedly bouncing on the spot.

We set to it and sure enough she has done just as intended created the plants of the solar system using bands left over wool and a pompom makers

Now it’s not perfect by any means but it sure did give her a spark of intrest in doing her work, which she’s been lacking in of late.

I’m really enjoying exploring different forms of art too there are so many mediums out there. For the first time I am confident to say I am an artist , a self taught ammature one but still I am an artist.

As I laid in bed waiting to drop off last night I had a sudden idea…… I can create art with the wool I just need to order a few bits and my new project will be well on the way.

The problem with me and my big ideas is that I do somewhat take over the house. I really could use a little studio but unfortunately that will be a long time coming, for now the dining room will have to double up.

My poor family must think I’m crazy at my age chasing rainbows and still trying to figure out, what I want to be when I’m older.

One of the questions we as coaches ask clients is ” what would you be doing if money was no object” and this is realy important in trying to establish what a person desires. When I ask myself this question always get the same answer…… I would be in the countryside creating art in all manner of ways and inviting people in to use art as therapy,and teach the joy of sharing and encouraging them in setting personal goals.

I may not be in the countryside with my own studio however I can make a start on finding my artistic identity and I can share my work and knowledge with others and I can where possible try encourage and coach others to reach their goals.

To follow my instergram journey you can find me @ajbarnescoaching

Facebook @ajbarnescoaching

Aj Barnes tarot/life coach

asd · epilepsy · mental health · parenting

Loneliness

Loneliness….. now for a mum of five this must sound crackers right? Sometimes I feel tremendously lonely in life even though I am constantly with someone. You see I think if you don’t have people around you that enjoy similar things, or identify with what you might be going through soon life can become a little flat. People smile and ask how you are and as social creatures you respond with a nod and a smile followed with a “not bad ..you?”

How do you think that conversation might go if in fact you actually answered that question how are you? With an unbelievable raw truth.

I’m not sure how many people would actually take the time.

I have but a few people I can go to and to be honest I don’t blame people I wouldn’t know what to say if I were talking to me either.

Earlier today I was having a lovely psychological conversation with my eldest daughter’s,regarding people’s personalities and why they behave the way they do. One said “you can tell they always try fix people’s problems because they aren’t getting fixed or supported at home.”

She also said she likes how we talk and that we don’t fix problems by throwing money at it.

Well there it was right out of my daughter’s mouth even though we was talking about a teenage girl, the words rang true for me, I am that person always there trying to fix it jumping in nurturing anyone that walks through the door.

I know why I do it,I don’t need a psychologist for this one. However knowing where the loneliness and abandoment comes from doesn’t help solve it. I still at the age of thirty seven long to have somebody support and encourage me, and say wow do you know what you are doing fab. Even actually ask how are you and actually mean they are willing to get that answer.

Now am I aware this sounds like a pitty party and do you know what it might just be that! It really actually probably is…….however recent events have brought up so much underlying stuff.

By now those that read my blog and family and friends will know a brief overview of my family life, but for those that don’t here it comes ……” feel free to scroll past”

I have five children my eldest daughter charlotte has always been difficult and had oddities but we have put them aside and left her to try and swim alone ….at various points during this time we have tried seek advice and help when she has been really bad,first with suffering with an eating disorder at primary school along with under achieving and being socially awkward,and periods of self harming over the last few years. Now we are actually finally pushing again to have that asd assesment but as many will know this process isn’t easy a file of evidence needs to be compiled before an appointment will be made. So this is child number one basically a rollercoaster that we are always on, add on hypermobility allergy to the cold and chronic asthma you will see lots of Dr appointments and meds.

Child number two is epileptic and to be honest it terrifies me. Firstly seeing your little girl seizing and gasping for every breath for twenty minutes feeling completely helpless is the most horrific feeling in the whole world. To experience this several times over a period of a couple of months not knowing what it was with no medication was a terrible time. Then came the diagnosis and medicine everything was ok for almost 4 years the medicine seemed to be working although at times she seemed odd and not herself I was certain something wasn’t right and possibly she was having abscent seizures. Olivia was anxious a lot so she was referred for CBT to rule out symptoms of anxiety clouding symptoms of epilepsy. She now has anxiety under control with a wellness plan toolkit to help control situations when she may become anxious although we still haven’t managed to get over the fear of lifts yet. This now rules out anxiety for the symptoms Olivia experiences so the time came to take her off the epilepsy medication so we began the reduction over a period of two weeks. At two days with no meds she had an EEG within days we received a phone call “Olivia must ‘re start meds as soon as possible they will be in the hospital pharmacy.” The EEG showed Olivia suffers from temporal lobe seizures and is indeed photosensitive. This is new and different these can be anything from a sudden emotion to standing still we don’t see most of them happen an Indicator that she may have been having them is when she is over tired and has lots of headaches. As a parent I have millions of questions whizzing round especially regarding her future at the age of almost 14 the future begins very soon for her in terms of career and everything. When she goes out like any other teen I always worry and like her to be accompanied which she finds very frustrating .

So far that’s two challenging children are you still with me….. I guess your thinking ok where is she going with this, “well keep on I’m getting there”

Child number three our lovely Josh well he’s now 12 and he was finally diagnosed ASD ( autistic spectrum disdorder) at the age of 9 after a five year battle. Josh appears as an average child he learnt how to respond to people in the simpilest form with as little eye contact as possible. He always maintained a reasonable educational level, infact higher than most with least participation during primary.

At home however he was a mess aggressive demand avoident distressed and at times suicidal. We had the biggest and hardest fight having to go out of county direct to a community paeditrician. Once in the assesment within a few minutes I got a nod and that was it recognition……. five years to get an assesment and a few minutes of actual testing to get the diagnosis. Why is it so blumin difficult? Life with Josh has been fraught and difficult he couldn’t cope at mainstream comprehensive so we took the option to home educate before he did something he would regret he was labelled lazy and difficult however it was more the sensory struggles and need to stim and his struggle with demand….so The decissions was made and so far besides sacrificing my own personal time it was the right choice his anxieties are lower. We are finding ways to help him learn how to survive when he’s older focussing on life skills.

Child number four sweet curly haired Elysa-mai she is lovely but like Charlotte is asthmatic and we are certain is hypedmobile but we still need to go speak to the docs regarding this but she can bend everything everywhere. Now nine she cracks on but her personality resembles that of tigger from Winnie the pooh, she does not keep still…..has very poor vestibular balance ……..yes alarm bells are ringing for sure! she is also a little socially awkward too. For now she’s muddling along so we will watch and wait and enjoy her niavity.

Child number five the last of the bunch. Pregnancy was horrific, I fell on the patio and then developed pelvic girdle pain or SPD, I was on crutches in chronic pain from 17 weeks pregnant this was following a bleed at 10 weeks, 12 weeks and 17 weeks. Labour was hell I had a home birth with no extra pain relief however unfortunately he presented shoulder sideways resulting In the midwife ripping me apart to drag him out. The placenta took over 45 minutes to separate so it was all a little hairy. William really struggled to latch and was so grizzly he just wouldn’t be put down he was so distressed all the time . I thought alsorts over the course of 2 years I tried everything to make life easier I started using a baby sling because he wanted to be close all the time as he grew he didn’t engage with others he would scream blue murder he had bowl issues, severe eczema once he went onto part formula feeds at 12 months it became clear too much lactose was bad for him. Once he started walking we noticed he would walk on his knuckles now this wasn’t right he still does this at almost five. He got to 2 yeats old and I knew in my heart of hearts he wasn’t quite your average boy. His language skills were echolalia to start and later although amazingly advanced it was very contextual he wouldn’t engage with others at stay and play groups, he would grab a toy hang onto It for dear life and just cry to leave. It started to get picked up on furing his health check scoring terribly for social and emotional and at this point he still had never slept a full night. Not long after at age two and a half I rang the health visitor and broke down. I just couldn’t see how we could continue with the attachment and lining and not knowing was I imagining it and projecting, or was my boy autistic?

The health visitor came out filled in the forms and was amazing she was supportive and listened. At that point I broke down and sobbed…..she believed me! You see I’ve always had a lot of ” you just want something to be wrong with the kids” or they’re just kids look he’s fine he’s so beautiful the same with Josh ” he’s just a boy”

Long story short an early help was put in place at about 3 by this point I had placed him in a few sessions at a lovely pre school. It took him a while to settle most days he had to be taken crying but I knew he was fine when I left.

At the same time as all this happened we were attending a scip course which was for parents and professionals of children with ASD for Josh. We got to know the professionals well, these were the people carrying out Williams assesment. He had 4 sessions at the CDC ( child development centre) along with 2 other families they played had snack ……..although as William doesn’t trust food in other places he did not partake……then one session they have the assesment which is a few tasks with the psychologist and student this is known as an ados. I was hoping and praying the psychologist could see what I could see which was all the less obvious symptoms and sensory issues Bill has. I think for me the most interesting results were how visually perceptive William is,he was so quick with speech and language tests showing he is more than able with talking he just choses in situations not to speak.

When the results day came I was ready for an argument thinking I’d have to appeal, although I knew it wasn’t often a child under five as able as William would get diagnosed, normally they are placed on watchful waiting. The practitioners said they sat and discussed William at great length before making their disicion. It was Williams need to control his surroundings in order for him to be comfortable enough to thrive and be. He was indeed diagnosed with moderate to severe autistic symptoms putting him on the autistic spectrum along with sensory processing disorder although this county doesn’t formally diagnose sensory processing dissorder it is still tested and noted as part of his diagnosis.

Well I just burst out into tears was it really that simple I couldn’t believe it just over a year from start to finish to diagnosis no struggles just meetings with friendly supportive people.

Now are you still with me it’s a lot I know……so William has his complexities he has hypermobility and has to wear prescribed piedro boots to control the roll in his ankle, these are great though you wouldn’t tell they are very swish. Our boy also unfortunately has a condition which means he doesn’t concentrate his urine so he wees through numerous nappies a night along with going through onto his bed,Our bed and so on hopefully when he’s five he can the medication needed. He has great bladder control through the day and is dry in pants. we now have the support if the learning disability nurse. The move to infant school has been amazingly smooth they are so inclusive to Williams needs and they allow him to use his ear defenders all day if he wishes. This is such a contrast situation to Joshuas experiences through school,it releaves so much pressure having that support in place.

What it doesn’t do is help with how hard life is due to how demanding willians need to be in control is.He still doesn’t sleep through the night, I am so tired it’s hard to explain.

I know I have dribbled on a lot there,believe me when i say that was the quick overview.

My job as a full time mum is just that. However I am a carer too and I think sometimes people forget the childrens disabilties because they are not visually obvious. They see me as a stay at home mum that does nothing. This is where the above information comes in …..each and every one of my children require medical interventions that means lots of appointments with doctors, consultants, early help,school, health visitors and more. Now try scheduling them in plus all the school meetings parents evening and stuff that give children have anyway along with cadets twice week and weekend activities.

Now throw in daily meds and remembering to collect all the different prescriptions,Charlotte takes allergy meds and inhalers and rescue meds quite often through the year it’s important we act quickly if he her peak flow drops. Ontop of all this I am a student trying to find time to educate myself, to ensure I don’t loose myself taking numerous online courses including level 3 supporting teaching and learning, life coaching and most recent refloxology and palmistry.

My time is also spent on my allotments and doing a YouTube channel. This I do for me, along with sharing the knowledge and produce with others it makes me feel good emotionally and creatively unfortunately having never recovered from the SPD it agrovates my back.

This leads on to me and the physical pain I am in daily. It is unexplainable sacroiliac dysfunction along with a bulging disc causes me agony. The nerves in my leg are always inflamed the best way to describe it is severe tooth ache but down the front of my legs and all around my pelvis, my hip rubs bone on bone at the socket when the joint is unstable and a bad day I wake up feeling like my entire pelvis has shattered it takes me a long time to force myself to walk. A good day is waking up stiff and sore. There is no great days and no pain free days anymore.

Despite all this I still make a point of showing up I get the kids up and ready for school each day I am a 24/7 mum along with being there for those that need it……. can you see where I’m heading with this now.

Throughout my entire adult life and most of my childhood I have felt a lack of that maternal support that most of us girls crave.

Some people say I should be greatful I wasn’t brought up in poverty.I wasn’t physically abused but oh boy the lack of an emotional loving relationship hurts and goes deep.

The entire lack of emotional support whilst raising children with additional needs just myself and my husband without any help is damn hard, it is hard to get over this lack of presence.

My husband is in the armed forces and for a large period of Williams first 2 years he was flying in and out of war zones living away only home for 2 days out of 14 whilst I was struggling to cope with everything on my own from managing the house the finances and the kids, along with my physical pain and trying not to worry.

It was the period of my life when I first truly began to feel completely alone.

In times of real emotional and physical pain & distress we hold out our hands and wait and hope for someone to grab you and say .” I got you” but when it doesn’t come …..theres only two choices freefall or flight.

I had to fly but in doing so I had to cut the emotional baggage that weighs me down.

Does this make me a bad person?

I don’t know I dont think so I think it makes me a fighter, I fight for my kids I fight for my marriage and mostly I fight for my soul to stay strong.

The last year I’ve transitioned many ways through connecting to my spiritual soul I’ve tried to heal myself and I was doing so well until this week.

My mother who has been undergoing treatment for cancer (which is all clear for now) has had a mental breakdown.

This is terrible i wouldnf wish it on anybody but who gets the call…. who gets the responsibility of making sure she is looked after.Who has to drop everything and emotionally scoop her up and give …..thats right me and worst still is because of her mental state at the monent for the first period in my thirty seven years of life she is telling me she loves me. I cannot accept this, desperation and being scared I can understand and process but not love.

I understand i sound harsh right now just believe me when I say our relationship is fraught and challenging.

Ill mental health is a disorder and I know why she is normally the way she is and why she has been emotionally detached my entire life…. her childhood is a phychologyst dream to unpick if and when it comes to it, it is so sad and this day and age wouldnt happen support would be available. It does explain a lot and I hope this breakdown will help my mother open the closet to these Skelton and finally deal with them.

Even though I know this as a parent and adult and can rationalise it, I still can’t shake this feeling of loneliness once again.

I feel like why? why should I help ?…….where is my support? …….where was everyone when I was at my darkest days…when I felt there was no way forward……

Then there is the moral side of me can’t leave it I can’t walk away morally I wouldnt leave anyone in this state, especially after losing my brother in law to suicide.

I will always feel there was more we could have done. We should have intervened sooner being aware of his difficulties.

There is so much ignorance Stigma and head bury when it comes to these issues it really frustrates me. This frustration I feel is what drives me to raise above my personal feelings and strive to help my mum get the help she needs.

I won’t lie tho it really hurts it’s a bit like Alice in wonderland, I feel like im getting dragged down the rabbit hole leaving myself at risk and vulnerable what if I can’t get myself back out this time?

Fundamentally I am alone in this tortured torn between moral duty and emotional well-being.

#mentalhealth #loneliness #asd #pa

asd · homeeducation · parenting

Autumn a time to reflect on the year gone and look to the year ahead

A lot has happened this past year or so, it would be difficult to summarise everything so I will focus on a few areas.

The last few months I have been doing some soul searching and working on my spiritual side. For so long I’ve held off trying to develop my tarot reading and spirituality mainly through fear of ridicule. It all evolved quite naturally really and now I am in a position where I’m confident in my intuition and reading for people I have a Facebook page dedicated to this along with life coaching. I’ve also learnt chakra cleaning and how to perform hand reflexology.

By meditating and tuning into my higher self it has changed me, I’m a lot calmer and able to see things with fresh eyes somehow.

The second big change has been making that decision to home educate one of my children.

Joshua is 12 and diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. He really struggles with demands and being around people. We gave him a full year in secondary school to see how he coped and by the end of the year we were at our wits end. The mainstream environment does not cater well for some asd children along with the inability for the school to meet their needs. I think the main frustrations for kids like Josh is there’s no middle of the road formal education available. Mainstream schooling struggles to be inclusive for children who suffer sensory overload and their need to stim it quite often results in being called disruptive and lazy and punished with detention and demerits. I find this hard as these are the things they cannot control.

Specialist schools do offer room for stimming and focus on life skills but require an EHCP which can be really hard to get they also offer a lot lower timetable restricting those who are capable.

This left us with no option but to consider home education. We met with the head and discussed at length why this would be the best option for Josh and before I knew it we had done it ….de registered him.

We are now a few weeks into a new learning year. The amount of resourses and work books out there is great. We will stick to some formal education but also throw in some fun engaging topics in there that Josh won’t feel is like a chore.

A question that quite often crops up is “What about missing out on practicle science”

Simple again I bought a chemistry set online for £21.99 and it has everything you need for key stage 3-4.

So far it all sounds fabulous doesn’t it ……

Down sides are I have one of my lovely five children with me all the time. When I need to go places and do things he has to come too. This is taking a little getting used to as this year my youngest son started full-time education so I would have had this time back for me for the first time in 5 years,had we not made this decision to home educate. Don’t get wrong it was my idea and I know it’s the right option but boy it’s a tough learning curve and can be mentally draining at times. It’s so important to take time out for yourself when you can. Today I did just that, because my husband was on a day off I handed over the parent reins and went off to my allotment and spent 4 hours getting on with my jobs, music on just me and the nature around me.

Josh and dad went off to do some traction kiting as a form of P.E

So much needs to be done on the allotment to get it turned into a no dig plot. I harvested the last of the pumpkins and lifted the plants to compost……. now this sound like no big job but it took a good hour and those squash plants are spiky little buggers.

Just as I was finishing off digging up the spuds Mr B and Josh turned up with some chips for lunch. We took a strole to the second plot and cut the head off one of the giant sunflowers to go dry the seeds, this amazes me nature is truly awesome.

So I would say all in all September has been ok

parenting

Home education 

Well good afternoon another sunny day in the uk this July. The last seven days has been different,  I started to home educate joshua and it’s left me feeling a little out of sorts there is more about this on the main menu tab ‘life coaching journey ‘ 

I will keep updates about how we get on with this along with updating a new vlog on my mummy of five facebook page. 

For now it’s business as usual in the house of crazy… 

parenting

Time to get my thinking cap on.

As we enter the main part of the allotment growing season, my thoughts turn to food. It’s so wonderful buying and sowing seed, but how can I turn this lovely organic produce into exciting meals. I don’t want to just have accompanying sides, we need to try cut our grocery shop significantly. 

Why do we need to cut our spending I hear you ask. Of late I have been feeling very underwhelmed with life, I know we can do more to be a happy family. I want to know that we have really had a good go at chasing a better life. It cannot be achieved if we keep wasting money to eat rubbish, that most of the time is not good for us. I am so fortunate to have the lease on two council allotments, one fullsized plot and the other a half sized plot. We have several fruit trees and bushes in situe. This gift of fruit means if I we can organise ourselves and plan correctly we can enjoy homemade jams and cakes and crumbles. 

Several years ago we were in a position where we were almost living hand to mouth, this period was extremely tough, but what it did do was make us extremely organised with a weekly menus and set shopping list, it was possible to feed a large family on a tiny budget. Now we have the luxury of the allotments there really is no excuse for spending the money the way we do. If we can go back to that mindset of only using what we need not what we want, we would benefit in many ways. Our health and bank balance would improve dramatically. With those savings we can work towards achieving our goals of a new life filled with opportunity, space and time together happy.

Today I made a start by trying a great recipe from Jack Monroe rhubarb soda bread https://youtu.be/aIi2lwZynTI it was so easy to make too. 

Jack reminded me what it was like back in those dark days but how rewarding it is to know you can feed your family with a plan.

So here I am making a start at the beginning of eating what we grow to live well, I can’t wait for those broad beans to pod for fresh humous and falafel.

parenting

Change

Hi folks it’s been a very long time and I can tell you I have been on one he’ll of a journey. A journey i am still travelling with no specific direction but the main thing is I am moving in a forward direction. For a long time I have felt trapped and within myself I have a stupid body which is not the right fit for my mind. I am not talking just carrying a bit of weight I am talking physical problems with my sacroiliac joint dysfunction and chronic pain, through having my children night started to loose my teeth and require dental intervention which for a long time I had to morn this loss it was far worse mentally being a young woman coming to terms with this was so bloody hard. I fought through depression, self loathing alone whilst remaining candid and strong on the outside for the kids. Having children with additional needs such as autism and epilepsy. You cannot take time out they need continuity and a mum that just keeps going. I wanted to feel valued and accepted for this frog outfit wasn’t the true me the royal within was just waiting to burst out. I set out searching studying course after course to use my intellect business management, mental health, diet and nutrition. The effects of sport on nutrition. The colour spectrum, level3 supporting teaching and learning. CBT therapy art therapy….. but what use was all of this if I couldn’t use it. I love my allotment and the feeling it gives me so I started another Facebook page started using instergram and then found the courage to youtube…..wham there it was I want to share my journey through my voice not just my writting in words. My first video I did it from behind my camera on my phone, after all who would want to see an ugly toothless old fat hag like me yeah. A day or so later I was keen to do another but lacked the confidence. My friend  Andrea Hood  a mindset freedom coach EFT she happened to put a positive facebook live on that morning regarding not fearing, or being put off by previous negative comments. This was true I am a valued person. I have a hell of a lot of knowledge and care to give and side it I can. And also the previous day another friend on Facebook conquered her fear of speaking live on Facebook she too had low self esteem and struggled I felt so proud for her to do this. My heart was pounding my palms were sweating but before I knew it I was live on Facebook basically telling everyone I would be producing a new youtube video and this is me, if you don’t like it then get off my Facebook page. After I hit that stop button I felt scared and elated all at the same time. We can all post pictures of ourselves posing in the right angle and a few filters here and there but to show yourself as is with rubbish teeth on show and all.  From that point on, a mere 3 weeks ago I haven’t stopped I set up to film myself facing the camera and chatted about my seeds and making paper plant pots and so on. People liked and subscribed I was amazed abd proud and not only that I have found a whole new group of like minded people from across he world who I can chat too. So this has been empowering but this was only phase one. I also stumbled across a tarot course I bought a new deck which I love it spoke to me. I have dabbled with tarot for years but only for personal use and a few friends but I thought sod it I want to read for others. So yep I set up another Facebook page AJ Tarot coach I started with a daily card draw then 2 days ago offered a free reading . I thought nobody would respond but sure enough a friend shared the post I have read for people I have never met before,and had validation on my accuracy and helpfulness. All I can say is wow wow wow when you open yourself up to new possibilities and a new mindset it allows people to see you. This is the real me I suppressed my desire to read tarot for years fearing ridicule and negativity, but no longer I am allows so studying the art of palmistry which is quite fascinating. So here it is my ramble about mummy of five breaking free from herself to allow for her wings to stretch getting ready for an amazing first flight as a new person.

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