Hello and welcome, recently I decided to step out of myself and really question What am I here for? Why haven’t I found that one thing I want to do? How can I change my static life? These questions are deep and needed great attention, and I’m still not quite there yet. From my previous blog you may have seen I’ve been exploring many different interests from. Art and allotment gardening to tarot and mindset and helping people. All of these things make my heart sing and get me excited I want to do it all, but can I. Can I really find a way to roll it all into one.
During this process I have also been through a lot as a parent. My youngest son aged 4 went through the process of diagnosis for ASD and to my surprise it was a pleasant rewarding experience and easy 4 sessions later and a multi disciplinary meeting and there it was. At that point in time when they agreed he presented as a very complex boy and they would support the diagnosis I Instantly burst into tears. The room started to raise to their feet to reassure me at that point I held my hand out and said ” these are tears of relief not sadness” I guess they are used to seeing people upset and shocked. For me the shock was not having to fight to be heard and supported for s long time. The process for our elder son Josh took over 5 years in which he wasn’t supported nor were we, having a very confused distressed and at times volatile little boy. Life at times can be tough, in fact most days are tough I become a referee and negotiator. However as the years have passed,my knowledge and mindset have grown, which enables me to see the positive and not just the negative….you can’t change your children you just have to do your very best to enable them to grow in their own way. There is still an incredible lack of knowledge and tremendous amount of narrow mindedness when it comes to the Autistic spectrum and other conditions which can effect the lives of children and their families. We all live in an advanced age with technology literally at our fingertips…..i mean lierterally!!! You can even speak to your smart devices and ask a question ” ok Google what is autism?” Hey siri how does sensory processing disorder effect people’s ability to learn?” ….there really is no excuse for ignorance and lack of understanding. I find as a parent my biggest fights are not with the challenging behaviour and immovable thought from the kids, it’s the constant battle with schools trying to get support and understanding, just because my son lookalike a (normal) 11 year old does not mean that he should be expected to just cope and just get by.
This has now come to a point we have decided to home educate joshua through ks3 and take some time to reduce his anxieties, learn life skills which will be invaluable to his future. The key things is to focus learning around interests and get core subjects learnt in a focussed productive manner.
I am a week into the home educating journey and all I seem to have done is try defend my decision. It amazes me how little people know about the choices we have as parents, infact I wish I had the confidence and know how, that I do now when the children were younger. We could have had an amazing time exploring and learning together I think we would be a more together family than we are now.
What has become clear is just how distressed Joshua gets by the demand of sitting to work, he pulls his hair chanting “I’m stupid! ” or stabs his hand stimming all the time. I feel awful as a parent, he must have found school so torturous and I was sending him there. My boy is not a saint and for those of you who know Passive demand avoidance (PDA) you will know that you never quite know what reaction your going to get through a day, there is no manual. It has not been an easy decision to put myself in the firing line daily, however as challenging as the days can be I have already noticed there is a little more calm about the house and we have talked and interacted more in a week than we have in a month.
As early posts will indicate I was intending on a different path, but this is now the direction the universe has sent me so I am a little lost and in flux at this moment in time. My identity is now to alter again, this along with pain and worry about my mum, has this week left me a little bit meh not depressed but just still and bobbing…… I have no drive to go to the plot or do anything much really.
I do hope I get my butt into a positive here soon. Operation day Monday so I hope once that’s out the way and the kids finish school I can try redirect my thoughts to future and being a more happy family unit.
For now kettle on have a brew ……
Mummy of Five and her adventures in life 